my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
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Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Damn what did I do next
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.