Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
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My diet was going really well until I woke up.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.