My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
You Might Also Like
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?