Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
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Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
The news in a nutshell.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.