Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
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Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner