Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
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I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
somewhere, in an alternate universe
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim