[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
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Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.