G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
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today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Denise please return my vape pen
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
My dog ate my work from home.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
This is true.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.