Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
You Might Also Like
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush