Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
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You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.