When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
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“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.