I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
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me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
same energy
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]