*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
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KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Dolls on drugs
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.