Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
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Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.