Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
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Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.