if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
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*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat