My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
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[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.