ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
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*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I feel seen.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Holy shit he’s back
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to