What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
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“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now