*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
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[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
synchronized noseblowing
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*