*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
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my astrological sign is a french fry
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right