Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
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Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Moms. The original autocorrect.