I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
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me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!