Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
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Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*