Admin smashed it 😂
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And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad