“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
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Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.