How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
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” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”