Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
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“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.