walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
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Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂