what if we kissed on the garfield couch
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Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.