coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
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Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Good morning y’all ☀️
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”