Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
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me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
(Musicians.)
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
3% human
97% stress
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy