Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
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Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.