When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
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Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.