I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
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I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.