the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
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I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.