me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
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Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*