Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
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Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
And bowling should be called pinball
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.