911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
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Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.