I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
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They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
S M O L
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”