This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
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“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
<- sleeps well with others
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.