I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
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Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*