My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
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That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok