[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
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Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me