*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
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If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?