kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
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I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
opening twitter today
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.