Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
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car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Risking my life for fun.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED