spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
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Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Look at this
twitter is a journey
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.