I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
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The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Lassie, get help!
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH