Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
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I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
The dark side of Canada
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Perfect
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.